Well. That happened.
The 2020 edition of Soccer Aid is mercifully over, after this year’s selection of English and non-English celebrities joined a who’s who of English and non-English former pros, to play a game of something vaguely resembling football.
Normally, it goes to penalties, and this year it once again went to penalties, but only after 90 horrible minutes in which a Robbie Keane screamer was undone by a James Bay-assisted strike from *checks notes* Yung Filly.
The celebrity-only shootout, which was of a surprisingly passable standard, was decided when Chunkz hoofed his decisive penalty past the post, and the Rest of the World took the trophy home.
Let’s get into some ‘player’ ratings.
Goalkeeper & Defenders
David James (GK) – 8/10 – Looked every bit the England international between the sticks. May be an option for third choice when the Euros eventually roll around – he’s certainly better than Jordan Pickford.
John Bishop (RB) – 4/10 – Hey, at least he had fun.
Wes Brown (CB) – 6/10 – Was a nice surprise to see the ex-Man Utd player, who we assumed had just disintegrated Thanos style at some point during his Sunderland spell.
John Terry (CB) – 7/10 – Marshalled the backline well and was frequently seen cascading forward, evidently confident his defensive counterparts had it covered. Deserves applause for putting Kem Cetinay on his arse.
Mark Bright (LB) – 4/10 – Not even entirely sure where he was playing but he had the no.3 shirt so we’ll say left-back.
Midfielders
Gareth Barry (CM) – 7/10 – Kind of seems like cheating to roll out the player with the most appearances in Premier League history for a charity match. He hasn’t lost a step – or at least Dermot Kennedy made it look like he hadn’t lost a step.
Katie Chapman (CM) – 6/10 – Diligent if unremarkable performance from the ex-Lioness.
Danny Jones (CM) – 3/10 – The effort was there but the everything else was not from the McFly guitarist.
Forwards
Olly Murs (LW) – 6/10 – Begrudge him pass marks on the grounds that his haircut is atrocious but for a ‘celebrity footballer’ he actually isn’t too bad.
Tom Davis (CF) – 1/10 – Literally couldn’t move and it made him the least effective player in football history
Kelly Smith (LW) – 6/10 – Ex-Arsenal striker performed well off the left flank without impacting proceedings.
Substitutes
Chunkz – 2/10 – Pretty big deal on the old YouTube. Slightly better than Davis but not much. Eventually subbed for Emile Heskey.
Yung Filly – 7/10 – Bright, enthusiastic and added some much needed energy to the side when he was introduced. Scored a goal, which was nice.
Lee Mack – 3/10 – Entered the pitch to Chesney Hawkes’ ‘The One and Only’ and it wasn’t funny at all.
Paddy McGuiness – 4/10 – Rarely does a man look so out of place anywhere than Paddy McGuinness does on a football pitch. No likey.
Joe Cole – 5/10 – Surprisingly ineffectual for someone who was playing professionally until 2018.
Ashley Cole – 6/10 – Big improvement on John Bishop at left-back but that’s not saying much.
Alfie Allen – 4/10 – The former Game of Thrones star put in goals for the second half so as to guarantee the ball went into the England net at some stage and he obliged.
James Bay – 6/10 – Apparently doesn’t wear his hat everywhere which is disappointing but played well enough. Good assist for the equalising goal even if the opposing central defenders were nowhere to be seen.
Emile Heskey – 6/10 – The quickest England striker of the night by absolute default.
Goalkeeper & Defenders
Shay Given (GK) – 6/10 – Had literally nothing to do but made no mistakes so, yeah.
Mo Gilligan (RB) – 3/10 – Non-existent. Not even sure he touched the ball.
Locksmith (CB) – 6/10 – Oh, the guy from Rudimental. Right. Had his lock picked a couple of times but held his own well. His lack of mobility might have been exposed by a strike force capable of running.
Mikael Silvestre (CB) – 6/10 – Really scraping the barrel for former pros here aren’t we?
Patrice Evra (LB) – 6/10 – Ran the show and legitimately looked as good as he ever has. Old Trafford summons something in him.
Midfielders
Michael Essien (CM) – 8/10 – Here he is. Might have been a charity game but Essien treated it like a World Cup final, because he’s Michael Essien and he doesn’t do friendlies.
Dermot Kennedy (CM) – 6/10 – Really thought this was Dermot O’Leary for the entire time he was on the pitch.
Chelcee Grimes (CAM) – 7/10 – A real bright spark in the first half and will have felt aggrieved to have been subbed at the break. The only non-international woman ever to play in Soccer Aid to date – this event has a bit of catching up to do.
Forwards
Lianne Sanderson (RW) – 7/10 – Ex-England winger was lively throughout and came close to breaking the deadlock.
Serge Pizorno (CF) – 7/10 – Substituted early because there had to be two women on the pitch at the same time. Yeah.
Jeremy Lynch (LW) – 4/10 – Don’t know who he is and didn’t even realise he was playing. Freestyle footballer? Cool.
Substitutes
Kem Cetinay – 6/10 – Apparently he’s from Love Island and he’s definitely not a very good footballer.
Ore Oduba – 6/10 – Well-known face from BBC TV who apparently won Strictly at one point. Not the best keeper, unfortunately.
Robbie Keane – 8/10 – Scored the wonderful opening goal and is solely responsible for the game becoming something you could describe as watchable. Man of the match.
Darren Fletcher – 6/10 – Leadership and experience was necessary in a team you could very much tell had been thrown together on a whim.